To Nan!

My Nan was not the warm sort!! She was pretty tight lipped, very catholic, never wore trousers, died her hair black, learnt to drive at 83, helped the "old" folks, wore court heels on steep cobble stone roads and was notorious for her lethal sherry trifle. She lived until she was 91 - the last year was painful to see and we were blessed that it was only a year. She lost her only child (my dad) and her husband within the space of a month in her seventies, but she still managed to do, believe and dream (more than I can say for us!). We were never close my nan and I. I wasn't the first grandchild and was too scruffy. We didn't argue or anything, but we didn't really talk abt anything either - she didn't understand my world and I didn't understand hers! I never thought she would die though - she was just so STRONG!! When we got the call from the hospital Nov 13th 2002 that Nan had died - I fell apart. She was the last tie to my family when we were all happy, when everyone was alive and we were "normal". My husband and I ended up living in my nans house for the year before we left for Canada and we slowly sorted and emptied the large 3 storey building for sale. It was the most consoling thing I have ever done - it really made me feel close to my childhood and all that I had bottled away under "too painful". From my share of the sale of that house I managed to put a deposit down on the house I now live in here in Canada and I also brought 4 special, special items. One large red pig piggy bank, one brass bell, one russian doll and one ceramic buddha. I never realised how grounding and special these simple items would be for me in this foreign country that I now live. It is so important for me to have those items in my home for me to remember who I am and where I came from. So yesterday when the little monkey and I were playing with the bell and the russian doll (no way is monster hands getting hold of the ceramic pig or, buddha) during a very wet, windy november day I felt so connected and filled with happiness. Nan you have had the biggest effect on me - it is so strange that I never realised your greatness while you were alive, but I feel you so strongly now and thank you for your life!