To Nan!

My Nan was not the warm sort!! She was pretty tight lipped, very catholic, never wore trousers, died her hair black, learnt to drive at 83, helped the "old" folks, wore court heels on steep cobble stone roads and was notorious for her lethal sherry trifle. She lived until she was 91 - the last year was painful to see and we were blessed that it was only a year. She lost her only child (my dad) and her husband within the space of a month in her seventies, but she still managed to do, believe and dream (more than I can say for us!). We were never close my nan and I. I wasn't the first grandchild and was too scruffy. We didn't argue or anything, but we didn't really talk abt anything either - she didn't understand my world and I didn't understand hers! I never thought she would die though - she was just so STRONG!! When we got the call from the hospital Nov 13th 2002 that Nan had died - I fell apart. She was the last tie to my family when we were all happy, when everyone was alive and we were "normal". My husband and I ended up living in my nans house for the year before we left for Canada and we slowly sorted and emptied the large 3 storey building for sale. It was the most consoling thing I have ever done - it really made me feel close to my childhood and all that I had bottled away under "too painful". From my share of the sale of that house I managed to put a deposit down on the house I now live in here in Canada and I also brought 4 special, special items. One large red pig piggy bank, one brass bell, one russian doll and one ceramic buddha. I never realised how grounding and special these simple items would be for me in this foreign country that I now live. It is so important for me to have those items in my home for me to remember who I am and where I came from. So yesterday when the little monkey and I were playing with the bell and the russian doll (no way is monster hands getting hold of the ceramic pig or, buddha) during a very wet, windy november day I felt so connected and filled with happiness. Nan you have had the biggest effect on me - it is so strange that I never realised your greatness while you were alive, but I feel you so strongly now and thank you for your life!

Uh Oh!!

I cannot believe how often my little man will use the turn of phrase UH OH!! He uses it in correct context - he drops something, irritating context - I drop something and complete misuse - he purposely pours his dinner over his head. UH OH, UH OH, UH OH, when I had dropped his snack while trying to pass it to him from the passenger seat of the car we had the UH OH song for a full 40 mins. Wouldn't it be great if we could use this wonderful turn of phrase in our little adult worlds: surgeons, paramedics, judges, prime ministers, politicians, news anchors, pilots, midwives, all facing the minor to major catastrophes head on and saying....UH OH!!

Childs Play

Well yesterday was a gong show!! The little monster and I played this great new game called "how many things can I touch, bang, drag, bash, climb, break, turn on, turn off, thump, bend, eat, drink, put up my nose, wave dangerously in the air and scream about" (pls note the title is a working progress). It turns out that my little man is an absolute natural at this game and I suck!! We ended the days tournament with him waving the trophy fire poker exuberantly in the air, while I collapsed in my chair and sobbed like a baby (I have never been a good loser!). I honestly have no idea what was going on that day, but he managed to dig up so many highly dangerous items from thin air! I was so glad when hubby walked in when he did because the only thing we didn't have was the flame throwing finale I'm sure (hubby did not seem so relieved to come home at that point - you know men and crying!!) Anyway I had to question a friends mother today on telling signs of hyperactivity - obviously the man was behaving like an absolute angel - busy - yes, but without the tiny head of horns and wild red eyes that I saw the day before. I wonder how fine that line is btwn spirited and Ritalin.

Crafty Cock up!!

Meet Mr Robot! This is my first attempt at cutting a block for fabric printing. The only problem was after all my hard work on a late Halloween night, the goblins and ghouls were working their evil magic!!


















I decapitated him!!















This is (was) going to be used for a print for my little boy's new room. We have been renovating upstairs and finally moved up there last week. It is soooo beautiful and grown up - we have carpet and everything. The little monkey will lay down on the floor at odd moments with his head on the carpet and say "NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEE". I love hardwood floors, but there is something so very cosy abt carpet in the bedrooms! My plan is to make a little robot curtain, bedding set with a natural hemp/cotton fabric and red robots - I guess it is back to the drawing board for this sample, but I'll get there. I am so excited at the prospect of printing my own fabrics! I'll keep you posted - for my next craft cock up as that seems to be my learning curve!!

Coming soon Sergers .... how to break your needle plate the first day!!

So you think you can dance!

Today I heard a song by No Doubt while I was washing the dishes and a flood of memories of another person came to me - me - years and years and many lifetimes ago - out dancing!! Drunk - most definitely - drunk and dancing. I thought to myself I am just so tired of thinking and worrying all the time. Swine flu, money, spending, house renos, house having some disastrous incident, any member of my family having some disastrous incident. The right teachings, the right foods, the right things to say, the right ways to be, the right things to think?!? I am sick of hearing, seeing, saying, thinking the words eco, green, environmentally friendly, pandemic, economic downturn, economic climate, death tolls, paedophile, insurance, crackheads, junkies, rapist, murder, complex carbohydrates, trans fats, sugars, use your words, snack, potty training, cloth diapers, ......you get the picture. When did I get so worrisome and serious. I find it so hard to relax and have fun these days....it was nice to remember another me and a little bit sad. I think I need to start dancing.

For all my friends who have had and are having babies after me!

I had a little facebook message from an old school friend today saying how she had "joined the motherhood group at last!". I replied straight away saying how gorgeous her baby was, wishing her well and welcoming her to our gang! That was all I said, but there was so much more I wanted to say, so much that there was to say - but we just don't do we? We keep it all in - we smile, we goo, we say all the right things (yes you've nearly lost all the weight already, oh wow you are glowing, you are such a good mum etc etc). How does that leave the new mum? All aglow?? I really don't know - all our experiences are so different, but I do sometimes wonder are they really THAT different. In the quiet, sleepless, dark are a lot of us having exactly the same feelings, but just not able to openly talk abt them with anyone? I remember those dark days still - enough to see newborn pictures and feel a sense of relief (that I am not there anymore) and fear that I might be silly enough to do it all again. I remember being on the brink of something scary many, many times. The baby howling, and me howling too...real UGLY crying. The baby howling and me having bad thoughts of ways to stop the crying, me slowly putting the baby down for his own safety. You think that situations like that only happen for very, very ill people..post natal depression ..not me, but in all honesty with as little sleep as us mums get ...who isn't depressed? We still function (just)..we can still socialise...we look like great mums..but some days, some days. So it is for those days new mums that I offer you the best, best talk I had with a passing friend. Someone I didn't know very well at all was coming round for a quick visit to see the baby and catch up. Baby was 6 months and during that time I had, had no more that 2 hours max sleep at any one sitting. My boy was waking up at least every 2 hours for a feed and slept very poorly during the day. I had great friends, but no family who could come and just take him for a few hours..hubby was working 7 days a week and I was beat. My friend took one look at me and said these saving words ...."Oh honey it sucks doesn't it". You do not know how grateful I was to hear those words!! Thank GOD!! I thought I was supposed to be in motherhood heaven..I thought these were the best times..someone had even told me that all babies did was eat and sleep and that it was a bit boring really, a bit boring!! I wished!! My friend then relayed tales of all the best mothers she knew and told me how many times the kids were shipped to the families, daycare or what anti-depressants they were on!! I felt so much better. I could handle the crap times if everyone else found them crap - it was just the idea that I was supposed to be loving the torture that had got me in such a spin. So welcome dear friend to the motherhood group - I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this in my mail, but rest assured YES it can Suck..and that's ok!!

Body Image Issues - Moi???

OK I am a little addicted to facebook, I admit it! I am a stay at home mum who hops around the computer daily in the sorry, sad hope that someone might have written to me or has some good gossip for me to tut over. What I don't like abt my facebook is that I have turned into one of those saddo mums who has to have their child in the profile picture. I no longer have my own identity - my identity is linked wholly and completely to my son. There is still hope for me, I draw the line at mums who put their baby's name on the answerphone message as soon as the baby is born. I'll go to phone a friend and am suddenly faced with listening to the overannoying "mum/kids presenter loud voice" of HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII you've reached Sally, Ben, Damien, Nova and Orca..WE CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW BUT.........BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..phone slammed down. I even just got a mail from a friend who has listed all the family's names in the e-mail address - just stop it!! Yet I do hold my hands up and openly admit that for my facebook, profile picture I will find the damn cutest photo I can of the boy - with my head only just popping out the side of him. My reasoning isn't just overt pride, but more the fact that I like to hide behind him because I look so "mumsie". It is more - yeah I know I look like crap, but look at my boy - isn't he gorgeous - I made that!! or Yeah I know I look like crap, BUT I HAD A KID .....it's not really because I eat cake all day and meals between meals.